Reviewed and updated: June 20th, 2026
Life is full of situations that shouldn’t be the way they are! Sometimes you can fix these situations, but sometimes you can’t. Accepting things as they are is a powerful way to cope with situations that you don’t want, or that shouldn’t happen.
Many things in life are beyond your control. Examples are everywhere: traffic, the weather, a burst bathroom pipe, difficult family members, or the death of a loved one — all things you don’t want or need, but things you cannot prevent. Not having control over things can make you feel sad, angry, frustrated, or anxious.
Sometimes people try to gain a sense of control by trying to make changes, even if they’re unlikely to help. Other times people try to regain the feeling of control by ignoring what’s happening. The sad truth is that trying to change something you cannot (or denying it) only leads to more pain and suffering.
So, what’s a healthy way to deal with things beyond your control?
Accepting Things As They Are
To accept things as they are means to let go of your expectations of how things should be. Instead, allow things to be what they are. It means to say to yourself, “It is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change the current situation.” This is a contrast to asking the universe “why is this happening to me?”
Why Is Acceptance So Important?
There are three main reasons why it is good to accept things as they are.
First, trying to change reality is a battle you’re guaranteed to lose. It leads to feelings of bitterness, anger, and sadness.
Second, acceptance allows you to recognize and face the actual problem. This can allow for problem-solving. For example, if you’re unhappy in your career, it’s impossible to make any changes before you face the reality of your current situation. Denying reality prevents you from problem-solving and may lead to more serious consequences — in this example, further years of career dissatisfaction.
Third, accepting things as they are leads us toward a sense of peace and calm. It is normal to feel angry, sad, or disappointed when you first acknowledge that you have no control over a difficult situation. However, acceptance will help you eventually feel lighter — as if a burden has been removed.
RELATED: Radical Acceptance in DBT Therapy: A Subtle and Important Skill
How to Accept Things As They Are
- Notice when you are trying to change or deny things that can’t be changed. For some people, warning signs include thoughts like This is unfair, It shouldn’t be this way! or Why me? For others, warning signs tend to be emotions like anger or frustration.
- Remind yourself that “it is what it is” and there is nothing you can do to change it right now. You may need to do these multiple times a day/hour/minute depending on the situation.
- Allow yourself to feel sad and disappointed; these feelings are healthy! At the same time, trust that acceptance will eventually bring you peace and calm.
- Seek out social support. Engage in self-care activities to help you cope with difficult feelings and improve your mood.
Why Accepting Things As They Are Is So Hard
If acceptance is so beneficial, why is it so difficult? The answer lies in how our minds work.
When something unwanted happens, often our natural first response is protest. Thoughts like this isn’t fair, this shouldn’t be happening, or I can fix this aren’t signs of weakness. Rather, they’re our mind’s way of resisting outcomes it doesn’t want. In many situations, this protest response is actually useful. If something can be changed, that sense of outrage or urgency can motivate action.
The problem happens when we direct that protest response at situations we can’t change. In that situation, the fight with reality doesn’t fix anything — it just prolongs our own suffering. Psychologists sometimes describe this as the difference between pain and suffering: pain is the natural reaction to a difficult situation; suffering comes from our mental response to that pain.
One thing that makes acceptance hard the misconception that accepting something means you’re okay with it. It doesn’t. You can think a situation is deeply unfair, wish it were different, and still accept that it exists. Acceptance is about acknowledging reality as it is — not endorsing it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is acceptance so difficult?
It’s only natural to object when things don’t go the way we want, or when life hands us situations that are unfair. We feel more at ease when we can control things, so giving up the effort to control sometimes feels unnatural and scary. The more reliant we are on control to cope, the harder acceptance will be.
Is acceptance the same as giving up?
Not really. Think of acceptance as an acknowledgment of reality, not a defeat. “Giving up” suggests that you’re in a fight you can win, and you stop trying. Acceptance is different — it’s an expression of your wisdom rather than any sort of failure.
What does it mean to accept things as they are?
Accepting reality means letting go of your expectations of how things “should be,” and how you wish that things were. Instead of fighting with the situation, you allow for it to be what it is. You may not be happy about it, but you admit to yourself that things are this way.
When should you change something rather than accept it?
If something isn’t the way you think it should be, and you can change it with a reasonable amount of effort, time and personal cost, it often makes sense to try. Acceptance is most useful when a situation cannot realistically be changed, at least for now.
How long does it take to accept something?
It can take anywhere from a moment to a lifetime, depending on a few factors. One is how large the gap is between reality and what we wish reality were. how strongly attached we are to a different outcome, and our learning history. For example, if we have historically been able to change most things we dislike, it might take us longer to accept that a new situation is beyond our ability to change.
How do you accept something you cannot change?
Accepting something you cannot change is usually a gradual process rather than a single decision. It often helps to: 1) pay more attention to those moments when you’re fighting against the way things are, and 2) allow yourself to feel the understandable emotions (like disappointment and frustration) the situation brings up. The step-by-step guide earlier in this article walks through this in more detail.
Summing Up
Acceptance is a skill, and like any skill, it’s harder for some people than others — and harder in some situations than others. If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of fighting against reality to your own detriment, that’s not a character flaw. It may simply mean that you’d benefit from working on this with a professional.
Therapists trained in DBT and CBT have specific tools for building acceptance — including radical acceptance, a skill designed precisely for situations that feel impossible to come to terms with. If you’re in New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts or Virginia, contact us — we’d be glad to help.
