POCD is a type of OCD that can be anything from annoying to devastating for those who have it. Read on to learn about this condition and the recommended treatment for POCD.
Last updated: March 5, 2022
What is POCD?
Pedophilic obsessive-compulsive disorder (POCD) is an informal name for OCD when the primary symptom is pedophilic obsessions. It is a sub-type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
POCD is sometimes considered a version of “pure O” OCD or purely obsessive OCD. OCD usually involves obsessions and compulsions. The “pure O” label is used for the rare patients who do not appear to have any compulsions. (Please note: Research shows that someone with obsessions but without visible compulsions is likely to have unobservable or mental compulsions. So, the “pure O” concept is probably a myth.)
POCD often involves compulsions. These can be inward, outward, or both.
What Are Pedophilic Obsessions?
An obsession is a thought, image, or impulse that is usually repeated, unwanted, and/or inappropriate. Obsessions cause significant anxiety when they occur.
Pedophilic obsessions are repeated thoughts, images or impulses related to concerns about being a pedophile. Here are examples of obsessive thoughts, images, and impulses that an adult might encounter if they were worried about being a pedophile:
A pedophilic obsessive thought might be, What if I’m attracted to that twelve-year-old child?
A pedophilic obsessive image might be imagining that you are engaging in a sexual action with a twelve-year-old child.
A pedophilic obsessive impulse might be experiencing an urge to perform an inappropriate or sexual action with a twelve-year-old child.
These obsessions can be about children who are familiar or not; family members, friends, strangers, or even one’s own children may be the foci of POCD obsessions.
As described above, these obsessions occur repeatedly and are unwanted. Typically, they have a terrifying effect on the person with POCD because they suspect that having these thoughts, images, or impulses means they are a pedophile.
How Common Is POCD?
One of the largest and most comprehensive research efforts ever made to measure the prevalence of conditions like OCD was a study called the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. It assessed thousands of people. The study found that over a quarter of Americans have obsessions or compulsions at some point in their lives. They also found that 2.3% of Americans have OCD during their lifetime and, at any given time, about 1.2% of Americans live with OCD. This means that, right now, around four million Americans have OCD!
The study referenced above did not specifically measure how common POCD was because POCD is not an official psychiatric diagnosis. However, the study gives us some helpful clues about how frequently POCD occurs in the American population.
There are several categories of obsessions. These include, but are not limited to, perfectionism, sex and sexuality, religion, contamination, losing control, and harming others. POCD involves a sub-type of sex and sexuality obsessions.
Although research doesn’t give us exact figures, it is reasonable to surmise that less than 10% of people presenting for OCD treatment have POCD.
What’s It Like to Have POCD?
People with POCD often describe their obsessions as demoralizing. They suffer from a lot of shame and doubt, and may feel isolated.
Those who have POCD usually do not confide in loved ones. This is because when they do, they are often met with kind reassurance, such as, “Oh, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m sure you’re not one of those people. Please don’t stress about that.”
Sometimes this feels helpful, but only for a short while. Other times, responses like this feel so disconnected from one’s anxiety and concern that they feel impossible to believe. This leaves the POCD sufferer feeling misunderstood and ashamed.
Uncertainty Avoidance
The engine that drives POCD is a deficit in tolerating uncertainty. This experience drives a sequence of events that creates significant anxiety.
Here’s a typical example of how it works for a person living with POCD:
- You see a cute kid on a TV show.
- You think to yourself: Am I sexually attracted to that kid?
- Then — despite the fact that all your previous romantic and sexual relationships have been with age-appropriate partners — you feel terror accompanied by the suspicion, I think maybe I am attracted to that kid!
What comes next is often one of four things, none of which are ultimately helpful.
Unhelpful POCD Coping Efforts
Distraction
Either out of calm strategizing or outright panic, someone with POCD may decide to focus their attention on something totally unrelated to the obsessive thought, image or impulse. They do this in the hopes of being productive with their time — or of just escaping the obsession. This often works in the short term, but not in the long term.
Successful Attainment of Reassurance
Seeking reassurance — which is also a compulsion — is perhaps the most popular strategy to calm the anxiety of those with pedophilic obsessions. POCD sufferers who find themselves obsessing are very tempted to find “proof” that they are not a pedophile. The ways people do this vary widely.
Here are some examples:
- Explicitly asking for a loved one’s opinion (“I’m probably not a pedophile, right?”).
- Laying a reassurance “trap” when talking to a loved one (“I wasn’t being weird at our 6 year old cousin’s birthday party last weekend — was I?”).
- Looking at children or images of children to gauge one’s reaction / attraction toward them.
- Looking at adults or images of adults to gauge one’s reaction / attraction toward them.
- Masturbating while imagining children / adults to gauge one’s level of arousal. (See also our separate page on sexual arousal and POCD.)
- Seeking / having sex with adults to gauge one’s attraction toward them.
- Researching pedophilia on the internet.
Unsuccessful Effort to Attain Reassurance
The strategies listed above may or may not result in achieving reassurance. Looking at an attractive adult of one’s preferred gender may not produce a feeling of attraction. Internet research on pedophilia may not yield comforting information. When this happens, the person with POCD often feels even more distress.
Typically, this leads to more reassurance seeking behaviors. The POCD sufferer might think, Well, I didn’t feel attracted to that woman, but I’ll find another one. This often spirals and leaves them feeling even more despair and shame than ever. Depression often results if this pattern is frequently repeated.
Avoidance Behaviors
In addition to the compulsive ways that people with POCD try to seek reassurance, they may also take steps to ensure that they do not sexually abuse or inappropriately touch children. These are called “avoidance behaviors” and could include measures like the following:
- Ensuring one is never alone in a room with a child, including family members.
- Finding excuses to not attend parties for children, even if they’re marking important milestones.
- Intentionally arriving late — after children are likely to be sleeping — to family gatherings.
- Avoiding normal physical contact with children who are relatives or children of friends (e.g. lap sitting, hand holding, hugging, etc.).
- Crossing the street or maximizing physical distance on the sidewalk to avoid an approaching child.
- Taking a seat unnecessarily far away from a child on a bus or train.
An Addiction — to Reassurance
The reduction of anxiety that POCD sufferers feel when they gain reassurance is powerful. As with most addictions, getting your “fix” only makes you more likely to seek it out again later. (This happens due to a phenomenon called negative reinforcement.) With POCD, this release combines with the abject horror one faces at the idea of being a pedophile and creates a supercharged obsession-compulsion cycle.
For example, if someone has an obsession about being attracted to a child and then achieves reassurance by remembering they recently had enjoyable sex with their adult partner, they feel better. This relief is seductive and causes them to want more; but the only way to get more is to find another obsession. So, then they may think: What if I really am attracted to children, and my relationship with my partner is just a manifestation of my denial?! Thoughts like this are often followed by another effort at attaining reassurance, and the cycle continues.
People often find there are no easy off-ramps from this POCD highway.
“Despairing POCD”
Some people with POCD have been so victimized by the condition that the obsessive thoughts no longer feel like new and startling possibilities — they just feel like the truth. I call this “despairing POCD.”
People with this kind of POCD avoid being around children, not because they’re afraid that they might be a pedophile, but because they’re confident they are one. The last thing they want is to endanger children.
Treatment for “despairing OCD” with exposure and response prevention (described below) can be effective. Despite the hopelessness this condition entails, various forms of cognitive-behavioral therapy can be potent tools to help people with this dispiriting condition.
POCD Treatment
The most effective treatment for POCD is exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP). ERP is a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy typically delivered once a week for several months. During this therapy, patients learn about OCD, how OCD works in general, and how it works for them in particular. Patients learn to identify their obsessions and compulsions and gain critical strategies to handle these symptoms when they happen. Eventually, patients receive training in exposure exercises. Exposures are ways to practice improving tolerance for the unpleasant emotional states that precede a compulsion.
By improving your tolerance for these feelings, you hone your ability to refrain from compulsions. This is true for either observable (behavioral) compulsions or for invisible (mental) compulsions. In so doing, you weaken the OCD gradually over the course of therapy.
What’s the Prognosis for POCD?
As mentioned, ERP is the treatment of choice for POCD. Studies typically show ERP for OCD to produce meaningful improvement in two-thirds of patients who receive it. One in three recovers completely.
The two most commonly used medications to treat OCD are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and clomipramine (Anafranil). Research suggests that although these medications can help people with OCD, neither add benefit beyond ERP alone. At this time, there is no reason to believe that POCD would respond differently to the various forms of OCD treatment.
Advice for Those with POCD
If you suffer from POCD it might seem daunting that only two thirds of people typically respond well to ERP therapy. It is helpful to keep the following points in mind:
- Many of the people who do not benefit from ERP do not complete the homework exercises that are assigned by their therapist as part of their POCD treatment. Others drop out of treatment. If you don’t follow the therapist’s recommendations — or if you stop going to therapy — there is little reason to believe you will improve. So, this part is under your control!
- If you don’t improve from ERP, you can try medication treatment.
- Whether or not you take medication, you can always try ERP again in the future. It is possible that, even if you do not benefit from the therapy initially, you may benefit from it later on.
POCD is a treatable disorder, just as OCD is. If you suffer from POCD and are looking for help, please contact us using the blue “schedule an appointment” button below. We are happy to work with you or help you find someone local who can help.
Frequently asked Questions about POCD
Now It’s Your Turn
Let us know about your experience in the comments below. If you have questions this page did not address, please mention them and we will try to address them as the page gets updated over time.
Please contact us if we can help you in your efforts to find therapy for POCD here in New York. Our CBT therapists are doctoral-level psychologists. We also have student therapists who offer reduced-fee services. Our offices are in midtown Manhattan, but we offer teletherapy services to people elsewhere in New York State, New Jersey, and Florida. If you’re looking for therapy for POCD in another part of the country or world, please contact us — we are happy to help!
Sunset_21 says
I never had these types of thoughts until I became concerned about purity because of a relationship. Then when I was babysitting my little brother, he was on my lap and my hand noticed that his his diaper was soggy. And the thought popped in my mind, was I just touching him inappropriately? So l squished his diaper a few more times to see if I was feeling anything inappropriate inside and now I think I did something bad for doing that. And then another time l was helping my little sister go potty and she went to put her undies on and she paused so I looked to see what she was doing and I saw her naked, and now I’m scared that I looked at her that way on purpose. I would never want to do anything inappropriate with a child and right now I don’t see a way out of my thoughts and actions …. Please help me.
Maria says
Another thing I think it’s important to get out there: not all pedophiles are monsters. It would be so much easier if I could just think: “I would never want to hurt a child, so I can’t be a pedophile” but most pedophiles don’t offend, and only about half of child abusers are actually pedophiles. A lot of pedophiles don’t want to be attracted to children.
An episode of This American Life called “Tarred and Feathered” explains this really well. The hosts interview a young man who’s a pedophile, and helped me understand what pedophilia is and how people experience it. It made me a little calmer for some reason—I’d highly suggest you guys check it out.
Anyways, the point of me saying this is twofold: even if you think you have a legitimate attraction you children, it does NOT make you a monster. Our actions define us, not our desires. Other people are in the same boat as you, and there are organized support groups that can help you. You are also in a position to help someone else—and there are so many more aspects to your personhood than this disorder.
Second, for those of us with POCD, I think it’s important that we are informed about actual pedophilia and don’t spread stereotypes or misinformation. We know how awful it is to worry about being pedophiles—we have no reason to think existing AS a pedophile is any less awful. Let’s not stigmatize this disorder—and those who have it but don’t hurt others—any further.
Ok, off my soap box now. Thanks so much for this article. It’s really helped me.
Maria says
Hey guys thank you so much for sharing this has been so helpful for me (at least for the day . . . Tomorrow watch me be on here again, still unconvinced).
I am also young (late teens) and I thiiiiiiink I suffer from POCD. I’ve had this worry on and off for a while now—it got REALLY bad around the start of 2020 (what an omen); so bad I talked to my therapist about it. Looking back, she was extraordinarily understanding. I didn’t know what POCD was then, so I thought (and still fear) that I might be an actual pedophile. Then I found out about POCD and calmed down for a while.
One interesting thing to note is that this worry seems to get really bad for me when I explore or question my sexual orientation . The first time I remember having these strong disturbing thoughts and compulsions to silence them is right after developing a rather strong crush on an older girl I worked with. I thought it was just a sexuality crisis. The second time was right after my soon-to-be boyfriend asked me out. I had thought I might be ace, and/or gay, but as soon as he asked me out I knew I was into him, and had been for a while. It made me really happy—and then suddenly I thought: “what else have I been hiding from myself?”
After my initial freak-out and learning about POCD, I calmed down and mostly put it out of my mind, with one caveat: I decided to never have children. It felt (and still feels) too risky. I figured: I can spend my life in denial about “being” a pedophile and lead a happy semi normal life, but if I have children it might all come crashing down. Maybe I’ll discover that I really am attracted to children, and what would I DO?! I tried to cast this as some feminist choice (to this day I know I DO want to focus on a career and I’m unsure if I’d want a family), but really it just made me sad.
Now my boyfriend and I have broken up—and LITERALLY THE DAY AFTER OUR BREAKUP I started worrying I was a pedophile again. I don’t know if this is because I’m suddenly sexually available again, or because I’ve come out to myself as bisexual. I have a normal, healthy crush on a woman my own age, but I’ve started being afraid to spend time with her, like ANY attraction I feel is somehow polluted. And now I’m old enough that a relationship I start might be long-term . . . And I could ending up having to explain why I don’t want children. It feels more important to KNOW.
It also might be because I’ve realized sexual attraction can take many forms. My attraction to this woman (and sometimes women in general) FEELS different than my attraction to my ex (and perhaps men in general), but they are both definitely ATTRACTION. So is whatever I feel for children—I feeling I can’t even name, because every atom of my being immediately suppresses it—attraction as well? Furthermore, if I didn’t live in a queer-friendly culture, I may never have recognized my feelings for other women. We DEFINITELY don’t live in a pedo-friendly culture (which is a GOOD THING), but does that mean I just don’t recognize my “feelings” for children????
Has anyone else noticed a similar pattern? Like you’re ok when you’re with a partner, but not when ur single? Or (for those who are queer) this worry flares up when you think about your sexuality?
Nicholas says
I was sexually abused when I was 3 yrs old till about 5 yrs old. Other boys were involved and all were under 10 yrs old. We were forced to watch child porn on the abusers TV screen and he forced us to act out what we were watching..when I was 9 yrs old, I went swimming at the ymca and after swimming I took a shower and a little boy around 6 or 7 yrs old came in to take a shower and he was completely nude and I remember I could not stop looking at his butt. Since then I have been obsessed with little boys buttocks. I believe I have pocd after reading this article, but I feared I was a pedo since I was 10 yrs old. I am 41 yrs old now and still am obsessed with little boy butts. I am attracted to adult females but I am not sexually active because I fear I am a pedo. I still feel I am a pedo but now I believe it is just pocd..if you like to chat contact me on telegram @shrtnchls
Anonymous says
I feel so much sympathy for the suffers who have courageously shared their terrifying experiences. I am 52 and have suffered OCD since I was 18 which has worsened over the years. I have always questioned myself as I have often made strong relationships with others and cared more deeply for them than I suspect is normal.
This included an 86 year old lady who had escaped communist Russia during the revolution. She left me all her photographs when she died and I spent years decoding photographs and foreign text to unveil an amazing life story. Comfortingly there are a few people who claim this special lady had a profound effect on their life. So for me this feels normal and safe now.
However when I was fifteen I worked at an after school program. I was not happy at my own school and silently sat through other family members squabbling with each other. At this program I feel a huge affection for the children and one girl in particular who I felt some sort of adoration for. I was young , immature and searching for some kind of affection and this 8 year old made me feel loved. I never at any stage ever had any sexual thoughts of any kind towards her or any other child. However, reflection after watching a show on T.V. saying it was impossible for a young male to ‘love’ a child. That if someone did then they were most likely a paedophile. This caused me huge upset and shame. Although I never had a single sexual thought I felt ashamed for caring so very strongly for a child.
Later I became a teacher and have taught for 26 years. I developed POCD from recalling my 15 year old past and building fears upon it. On the positive side the huge work load and love for teaching started to push the OCD away. I thought well I certainly don’t want to be around the kids all the time. I had strong concerns for their welfare and education but, a bit like a parent would say, I liked my break time from them. I certainly had changed from when I was fifteen.
Sadly though my POCD came back in the form of a pre-thought. Like most OCD people I would think about what I might worry about in advance and then they would eventuate into genuine fears. 25/26 years and I have never ever done anything inappropriate towards any child and in my brain I knew I didn’t want too. But the fears would over run my brain. It has always felt like a battle between my intellect and my emotions. I usually knew I did not want to commit any hideous act of abuse but often the fear outweighed the logic. I think that is a common OCD problem. The brain/logic is overridden by the fear.
My reasons for previously sharing the story of my ‘love’ for an 88 year old and an 8 year old is an attempt to try and illustrate how incredibly caring I can feel for others regardless of age. The only problem is I do think, and I am sure I am right, it is not ‘normal’ for a teenage male to adore an 8 year old child and I am unable to explain that. Yet I feel no obligation to explain my ‘love for Nina my 88 year old friend. With Nina I still feel a huge ‘love’ towards her twenty years after her passing.
I know that OCD sufferers are not meant to seek reassurance but the fact that I still can not quite understand after decades of trying to understand why did I love kids so much and in particular one. I remember this child had told me that her father was abusive and a horror and that they were Jehovah Witnesses. Maybe she sought comfort from me without me realising it. I just don’t know. I do know when uni students would go on teaching ‘pracs’ they all seemed to adore the attention of the students. Perhaps I had got that out of my system earlier on.
I wish to stress I never had any sexual thoughts of this child or any other. But months later seeing a show on the unpleasant topic of Sexual Child abuse I began to panic. I still never had inappropriate thoughts until a couple of years later when I reflected back and questioned who I as a person was. These were not visual intrusive thoughts but rather intrusive thoughts questioning my being. As years passed my OCD changed into visual intrusive thoughts that I loathed. These would usually focus on a particular child in my class. One year I had OCD thoughts on a student the year before when I also taught her never had any OCD thoughts.
I feel today that perhaps I was odd or unusual but not a deviant. However as I never can resolve this question in my mind and the subsequent POCD over years has left me feeling dreadful most of the time. I can worry about things like what if I inappropriately touch my partner of 20 years when we sit in the front of the car! Even sillier things that make me cringe at the same time as worrying. Fear over logic and common sense again.
I know in my heart I am a very caring person, and I know I was 15 and pretty sad in life but I don’t know if that makes my strong affection for a child (at that time) inappropriate or worse. This only lasted for maybe half-a-year. When I went to university things changed. I was attracted to many of my female friends who were the same age as me. From then on I was just a ‘normal’ teen, attracted to the attractive girls and enjoying life. I was no longer seeking attention or affection from other places. Although my love for Nina never went away.
I want people to be honest with me. I know I have POCD but I have nothing but ongoing anxiety about wanting an answer to my fifteen year old self and why I wanted to be in the company of kids and a strong affection for one in particular. I think thank goodness I never hurt or intended to or wanted to hurt any child but am ashamed I felt so much huge affection for an 8 year old child. Why? Why? Why? In today’s world there are so many past stories coming out of atrocious sexual child abuse. I can’t watch these news stories. They distress me immensely and always have throughout my entire life.
Giles says
Hello all, there is hope out there. I hope everyone finds the strength to keep going and defeat this illness. You can improve your life, but you just need to be brave and tackle it head on, here is my story:
I have had element of Pure OCD my entire life, but the spike in 2012 with the birth of my niece derailed me more than all the others. Jimmy Saville was on the news everywhere, you couldnt turn on the TV without it being mentioned, it sickened me, Ive always wondered how could anyone hurt anyone, let alone a child. One day at my niece’s house the TV was on and I looked at my niece and thought of Jimmy Saville, it terrified me, then the thought made me think was I like him just because I thought of him and I was lost. Consumed by terror and OCD, although I didnt know what it was, I lost my ego, my happiness and my life for awhile as I was so disgusted with myself, trying to find an answer. It happens very quickly and as soon as you grab on to the though it owns you and it tries everything, you can not out logic OCD with reason.
My life was saved when I found Rose’s article in the guardian on Pure O (type that in and you will find it) massive relief came over me. I wasnt a monster, here was someone who has the same problem as me and a women too. From that point I had a condition. I went to therapy, finding a specialist in pure o. With her I did exposure therapy and it worked a great deal, I could start to rebuild my life and find my ego again that had been obliterated by self loathing. I also found the 4 step process found in the book Brainlock. That was a usual technique to deal with OCD thoughts. I tried other therapy and constantly worked on it.
This year a friend opened up to me about his Pure O, and it let me to reveal myself fully to someone in my real world, not a councellor. This illness hides in the shadows and by hiding it you are keeping it alive, I understand it is the hardest thing to do, to tell people as it is your darkest fear but it demising the power as you realise ofcourse you are not what your fear. I believe people with pure o, actually care too much, as they love people and they dont want any harm to come to them, so fear mutates around that.
I have recently told my partner about the last 10 year and the secrecy I have lived in. It has not been easy for her as it is very painful for her to find out I was suffering like this alone, and also just the disturbing nature of it, but Im hoping we can be stronger for it. I certainly feel better for being more open.
I dont think article is written very well, as I dont think it explains really what it is, we have these thoughts as it’s the last thing we ever what to do, it’s a phobia that we churn around in our head to see if some how we are guilty, it’s a court case and your mind is the judge, jury, defence and prosecution. If you play it’s game you have lost. Take steps to tackle it head on, open up to someone. dont be alone, life can be wonderful.
defnotmyrealname says
I am a 22 year old man and I have very recently felt like this. I have not been diagnosed yet but will have a psychiatric evaluation very soon. I am definitely hitting the despairing OCD level at this point. The intrusive thoughts/images/urges are so constant that I have truly convinced myself that I am a pedophile. I have no one to turn to in fear of everyone thinking that I am a monster. This has ruined all sexual aspects of my life. I cannot do anything sexual (i.e. masturbation or sex) without having these horrible intrusive thoughts. I do not know what to do at this point and I am starting to feel entirely hopeless.
Neil says
Hi
I have been suffering with thoughts and feelings that I am attracted to young girls since I was 18 I’m now 46.
A year or so ago I found a therapist who introduced me to ERP.
I did behavioural experiments where I walked my teenage son to school so I was exposed to school girls.
It was hard at first but it did get better. I have now been able to drop the safety behaviour of constantly checking if I was attracted to them and now just say it’s just a thought and a feeling.
I’m just writing to show you that it can improve, I still get anxious and have the same thoughts and feelings but I’m feeling less shame these days. Fingers crossed 2022 will be the year I finally get my life back.
All the best
Neil
Em says
Hi all,
I wasn’t going to comment but after reading some comments, i wanted to attempt to share some encouragement. I have definitely struggled with this as well as other obsessions related to OCD, but it’s so on and off for me. PLEASE GET HELP IF YOU CAN!! I know NAMI ( in the US ) even has support groups if therapy is not an option (which is totally valid). Please support yourself. Something i have learned through research that has greatly helped me is that OCD takes your most important values and turns them against you. So ie. in this context-if you are afraid of being a pedo, you are not, and respecting and keeping children safe are really important to you. It twists what’s most important to you, and that’s an aspect of why it’s sooooo distressing to you! It also feels soooo real for this reason. Just because it feels so real, doesn’t mean it is though. Just remember that, your brain is powerful, but it doesn’t know everything. YOU GOT THIS!
I really truly hope this helps! Stay strong and hold on-it will get better-manifest that!:)
Brendan says
When I was 18 I’m now 35 some 13 year old ask me out ova the net I said “Sure whateva” as a joke but the thing my mind can’t get the story straight was 13 ,14 or 12 , was I 18-17 or 16 , did we talk at all, did we talk about inappropriate stuff , did she tell me to do stuff , did I?
The next day I deleted her but it still worries me , if we ever did shit we weren’t supposed to
All I know is we never met, talked on the phone or knew what each other looked like
Alex says
Hi all, I am a 23 year old mom who has ptsd from being sexually assaulted. When I was pregnant with my son I was so happy to have him and excited. Then right after I had him I got post partum depression. One day a horrible thought popped into my head about “what if I ended up touching my child.” I tried to get the awful thought out of my mind but the more it gave me anxiety the more I obsessed about it. I feel like it’s ruining my relationship with my son. When I change him I feel physically sick or even when I bathe him. I just am in a constant state of fear that I’m somehow going to hurt him. Which is the last thing in this world I want to do. I’ve never really talked to anyone about this due to shame. Also since I’ve been living with these thoughts for over a year now I full out have made myself out to be a pedophile in my head. I honestly just want it to stop. I feel physically ill all the time from my thoughts and mental images of things I don’t want to see. I really need someone to talk to. I don’t feel like I can keep going on like this.
Ember says
Huh.
I have isolated myself from others for the past five years. I haven’t really been able to maintain interpersonal relationships due to severe depression and anxiety. Essentially, once I graduated from high school and after a medical resignation from a service program, I just dropped most of my relationships and rarely left my room.
Only now am I discovering that I experience hyper sexuality around others, yet am also deeply repressed and ashamed of any sexual arousal. I am an incest survivor and have been molested by multiple family members.
I am finally trying to live again and I got a job working in an Early Childhood Development program and it is MISERABLE. I am constantly worried about being perceived as a pedophile, and alarmed by my random sexual thoughts/feelings that can arise when I am around the kids. I am afraid to be alone with them. I like that they want physical comfort and closeness but I fear unintentionally grooming them or violating their boundaries. I also fear harming them in general. I was sitting at the rug after story time and zoned out while looking at one of the kids zippers and other teachers saw and I am convinced that they think I am a pedophile. The worst part is that of course I don’t want to be perceived as a pedophile but then that desire makes me feel guilty and like I am trying to hide something when I want to tell them “hey, you saw that and I am experiencing sexual thoughts about children but it makes me extremely uncomfortable and if I ever did hurt a child, I would want you to murder me.” Because I’d probably kill myself if I did actually sexually abuse a child.
I can be sexually aroused by LITERALLY anyone, even an 80 yr old man that is creepy and repulsive to me. It feels like a curse.
Laura says
Damn this comment section makes me feel like a normal human being. It seems most of us are in the same age range (I’m 19). This whole thing started when I was 18 and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with mentally. It makes it especially difficult because I live with my parents and younger brother. Some days I cant even talk to my younger brother, I just lock myself in my room wishing that voice in my head would stop berating me and analyzing every thought I’ve ever made. But anyways I just wanted to say that all of us are going to be alright and at the end of the day they’re just thoughts. If you want to hit me up my instagram is frangle.artcorner
Stay strong!!
Ayden says
I’m 15 years old.I started worrying when I looked at a little kids butt after I looked I avoided her at all cost.Now I imagine little kids in bathing suits to test myself to see if I am one I worry what I won’t have control when I see one or I worry what if she is just so cute I can’t resist I don’t know what to do
Flor says
Omg I struggled in scilence for so long, it was agonising. thank you all zo much for sharing your stories and for writing this article. After reading this the thoughts lost their power and I can finally let all the tension and anxiety go… I’m so happy that I can finally enjoy my happiness without feeling disgusted with myself because of self doubt.. because I’m having a little baby boy in Febuari and I couldn’t be more excited for it….
MrPostive says
The sad part is we’ve made pedofilia as a society so taboo to even talk about, that it’s become the scariest obsession for good people with pureO to latch on to. pocd is exploding in popularity sadly. 🙁
Jesse says
Two months ago i had the random thought, ‘what if I’m a pedophile’.
Everything in my mind felt like it broke down. My stomach also started to hurt a lot, to the point where i became really ill for the next 2 weeks.
I’m 16 right now and all i can do is fear of doing something terrible in the future.
The first day i had this problem i immediately told my parents. However they believe fully that I’m not a pedo. I know that very well myself to, I’ve never even looked weird at a child before i got pocd.
Ive mostly gotten over it i think. I don’t fear i am a pedo anymore but more about if I’m going to have unwanted thoughts like these for the rest of my life or if they’ll effect me in some way.
Also for the entire time if had this my stomach has been killing me.
To anyone who also has this, i want you to stay strong and believe in yourself no matter what thoughts try to tell you otherwise.
Luca M says
I feel relieved that I found this post. I was pretty close to givin’ up just a few days ago. I will persist – I want to get better and I will.
Dani says
I am 17 and this all started a few days ago, I cant sleep well so it was really late probably at around 5 am. I am really into true crime and such so a video about this really awful pedophile popped up so i watched it. After that I constantly have the obsessive thought of becoming one… I have two nieces and a nephew along with a little brother, I am normally great with kids and its really easy for me to make them laugh, I loved doing that… but now i feel so scared that im going to hurt them, that i held them weirdly… I am so scared. I cant sleep anymore it takes me most of the night so i sleep most of the day… its my only moment of peace. When I do play with my little brother the thoughts don’t come but then the thought comes up that im a pedo… When i was little around 8 someone i was close to touched me and that went on and off for a few years up until i was around 10. I didnt realize what that person was doing then so now im so scared… I am hoping that if i sleep better and improve my overall health this will dissipate but it feels so suffocating and endless. I never wanted a relationship but i was finally starting to open up to the thought of having a significant other and maybe one day kids but i cant anymore… it feels like ive completely shut down… I have suffered with thoughts such as being insane or a cannibal and those went away within a few months so im hoping its the same way with this. It was comforting to know that there are other people my age also having trouble with this.
Anibal says
Hey I’m 18 and I’ve been dealing with this since march, and it’s awful, because i have so many doubts in me, I’m terrified of harming a kid, but what if i don’t really feel like this and i really wanna do it? It gets every time worse and I’m always doubting, when i don’t have anxiety, I’m even more scared because i think “if i don’t have anxiety about this it means I really like it and I’m gonna do it” but idk.
If you wanna talk with me or something my Instagram is @anibalf51 just DM me
J says
God I’ve been suffering with this ever since the beginning of March and it’s been one of the worst things to ever happen to me. I’m currently 18 and ever since beginning of March I’ve been having pOCD symptoms and it’s practically uprooted my life to the point where the only way I’m able to have a “good day” is where I stay at home, and don’t leave, and don’t watch any movies or do anything that could have kids in it for the fear of the thoughts coming back. It’s been so stressful and I don’t know what the hell to do because researching about pedophilia can sometimes be reassuring but other times it can make me more stressed because my brain goes: well what if you are and what if that does relate to you? Even though I know deep down that it doesn’t. I can’t even begin to describe how debilitating this has been and recently I’ve thought that if I really am a pedo then I’m just going to kill myself because there’s no way in hell im going to hurt a kid. I’ve talked to my dad about it actually in depth and I’ve explained the thought processes to him and he’s tried to help me out but that was back in April and I’m afraid that if I keep talking to him about it then he will think I’m a pedo and that’s making me really stressed as well. Reading all these comments have helped though just to know that there are other people out there going through this and that it’s not just me. I’m also afraid of getting a therapist as I don’t know where to start
Lawleit.H says
I’m 15 (M) and over the last month or two I’ve been so extremely paranoid and anxious about being a pedophile and of course the more I think about “what if I am a pedo” the more intrusive thoughts I get. It’s just a positive feedback loop of “I’m a f*cking monster” that gets worse the more I think about it.
I’m so glad that I found this article now rather than later because over the past few days I’ve been nervous about walking down the road I live onsince since one time when I did I saw a mother with her two kids, maybe… I dunno, 9 and 6. They were looking at me and I was looking back at them, as people do, and in hindsight it was a normal eye-to-eye glance exchange, but at the time I was almost shaking because the mother seemed so judgemental and I was afraid that I was staring at her kids weird.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m afraid of being into girls my age because they’re not fully developed women above 18 because I’ve been so afraid of being a pedophile.
This definitely puts me at ease a little bit, as I felt like I was burning up from anxiety just a few minutes before I heard the term online and immediately jumped here. I just hope it’ll be better once schools open again and I’m back around people. Thank you a ton, and I’m cheering for the rest of those here with the same problem.
Mary says
I’m 23. I’ve been going to therapy for other mental health problems for over a year now (I started going just before the pandemic). First cognitive-behavioral until I reached a standstill and now psychotherapy with light antidepressants.
I think I always struggled with some form of OCD or invasive thoughts, though until recently it was either about me dying/being harmed or killing/harming others. It was rare enough that I could try to ignore and forget about. I was able to manage that but this pOCD stuff makes me so distressed and anxious every time it happens.
I’ve been experiencing this for the past few months. Again, it’s not constant for me. I’ve noticed that it usually happens when I’m in a noticeably worse mental state. I believe that the situation caused by the pandemic has somewhat pushed me into this.
I’m working up the courage to tell my therapist about it. There are a few things I still haven’t told them about and this is probably be the worst one.
I really wish it will just go away eventually if I take care of my mental health. I feel like I’ve been robbed of a normal life before I could really start living it.
Thank you for giving me hope. The idea of having to live with it and manage it for the rest of my life still makes me feel miserable and terrified but I feel a little better knowing that it’s treatable.
Jenna says
I’ve been dealing with this for a while now. I’m 17 and this illness is literally the worst thing I’ve ever had. I’ve had health anxiety, other intrusive thoughts, and ocd. My ocd switches from harming people I love to like my pets or uncontrollably harming myself. It’s recently been about the pocd thing which is definitely the scariest.
Emma says
I can’t believe all these comments of people my age (17) dealing with the same things. Like it did make me cry but I also don’t feel so alone. Aaaagh I just can’t express how much I relate to everyone’s comments here, and this thread has really given me hope sort of. If anyone wants to chat that’s around my age or whatever my Instagram is: emmer1202. Maybe we can talk about how much it sucks and we can get better together :,)
L says
15 year old female here. I’ve had on-and-off pOCD for the past 8 months. My 11 year old step-sister was climbing all over her older sister, and a little part of my brain thought, “Doesn’t [older sister] get uncomfortable with that? [Little sister]’s kinda handsy.” Or something similar. The moment I thought that, on came the barrage of thoughts I’m now worryingly familiar with- “She’s only 11, why are you sexualising her??” And, “Of course [older sister] isn’t uncomfortable, what a creepy thing to think. Why did you think that, are you a pedophile?”
I was already having intrusive thoughts before this – sexual ones about my dog, and my dad. I then started having mild intrusive thoughts about children – worrying to me, but not as harmful as they eventually got- but then one day.. I broke down. I looked at my little brother, had an extremely disturbing thought, and immediately couldn’t focus for the next week. I spent that whole day in my room, doing research and crying. Anytime a thought cropped up, I’d dig my nails into my flesh, I’d smack my own head extremely hard. I saw an article about something similar to pOCD and breathed a sigh of relief, then saw one about actual pOCD and immediately I could.. exist, again, without freaking out at every thought.
I tried to follow the advice the website gave me – tried to learn to be alright being unsure in whether the thoughts were real, and it helped a little bit. But not enough for me to not try for therapy. I told my mom and my dad, and my dad found me a lady Christian therapist. It helped – I got a diagnosis, and a compulsion I often go back to is reminding myself how I burst into tears the moment I told her about the thoughts. She did end up comparing my OCD to the devil, and while I understand the reasoning, I’m agnostic. So I quit. Eventually, it was on and off again. Some days I wouldn’t even have a thought- or if I did, my brain wouldn’t latch onto it- and some days, I’d have to take medicine to sleep because it’d get so bad.
I started doing groinal checks, which never helps. During the bad phases, I knew one thing. If my diagnosis was wrong, if I really was a pedophile, I would kill myself. No doubts about it. I still believe that I’ll do it to this day.
Lately, it’s gotten worse. The past three days have been hell for me. Graphic thought after graphic thought, constantly. I’m inches away from crying at any moment. I’m praying that once my school is back open, once I’m not isolated with my family at all times, things will get better – but I don’t know.
I’ve ever met ANYBODY my age who struggles with this. Hopefully, I can make someone else feel not quite as alone. Feel free to respond, no matter your age. It helps me.
Lrw says
Oh man. These comments are exactly how I’ve been feeling. On my heart I know I’m not one but in my mind it’s like it’s trying to convince me I am one? (So just a quick backstory before I start. I was raped multiple times as a kid by someone I trusted, I was also molested by multiple different family members)
One day I was sitting on the couch with my husband and we were watching Private Practice (spinoff of Grey’s anatomy). There was an episode that was about this guy who had court mandated therapy for a risk evaluation about pedophilia. In his therapy session he said “all I want to do is talk to her hang out with her” the therapist then said “is that what the man who hurt you said” in that moment it was like a switch flipped, an overwhelming sensation came over me and I went through a complete mental break down. Wondering if because I was raped because I was molested does that mean I’m going to become one. I stayed up for a week couldn’t sleep wouldn’t eat drink or do anything. I literally could not function. I stayed in the bath tub and even called my mom waking her up in the middle of the night to come sit with me in the bathroom because if she didn’t I was scared I might hurt myself. It’s been 3 weeks since that happened and for a minute I started to get better, but then another episode about pedophiles came onto tv and it sent me back through the spiral. I’m telling my husband I hate him and he’s a cheater and all sorts of things. Trying to place blame I guess. I feel like there’s another person trying to fight their way out of me. I wanted to have kids more than anything, I wanted to be a mother more than anything. Teach my kids how to treat others, teach them no means no, teach them that even tho the world is scary it’s worth fighting the demons, I wanted all of these things for me and my husband and our future together. Now I am so terrified about ever becoming a pedo that Im scared to have kids and move on with my life. I’m stuck in this loop that I can’t pull myself out of and I’m dragging others down with me. I’m only 21. I feel that I deserve better then what I’m being delt right now. I know that sounds selfish but my mind is conflicting with my heart so much that I have ended up hurting myself. I feel alone. Like no one is ever going to understand and that I just look like a pedophile or I seem crazy because I worry I am one. After everything I’ve said I’ve had to put in I’m not one tho just to reassure. I know I’m not one I shouldn’t have to reassure myself. Why is this happening? Why would I even think I am one ? That must make me one? Why am I so worried about it? That kid touched my leg and I didn’t like it it made me feel weird does that make me one?
These are constant questions I ask myself and more, then I come to the realization that if I was one I wouldn’t be so worked up over it. If I was one I would’ve known the second I started having sexual feelings towards anyone. If I was one I wouldn’t want to hurt myself. If I was one….
It just keeps going an endless loop. I don’t want this to stop me from living my life. I don’t want this to ruin relationships. I don’t want this to be a problem anymore. I want my thoughts gone. I want to know I’m not alone. I want to know I’m not one and I never will be one. I don’t want to avoid children I don’t want to feel isolated. Before any of this happened I could be around a child without a second thought. Most of my friends have children and they absolutely love their auntie but this past month I don’t even want to have the kids around me I avoid kids on Facebook and tik tok I avoid being outside when the kids go to school or come home from school. It hurts thinking that I could ever be that way because I am great with kids. I know I’ll make a great mother. I know I’ll hurt myself or anyone else before that child gets hurt you know. And once again typing those thing my mind went straight to what if people think I’m a pedophile? This form of mental disability is suffocating. You don’t know who to tell who to trust or who’s just going to spread things about you if you tell them. I feel broken and lost. I have no sexual desires about children but the fear of it is crushing me and making it very difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I’m becoming an adult now, it’s time to grow up.
A says
So i remember once i had found something called loli when i was 12,and didn’t know literal what it was,i found it odd and i had thought it was like some adult stuff.i had just found out what masterbation was and had tried it out and nothing happened,pretty sure it was just like some random groinal response.forgot about it then a year later i found that again and had a stronger response and i started panicking since i got an intrusive thought saying “hey are you a pedo? hey are those kids” and i was like no? like these are grown adults right? i didn’t even know what it was i google and it had said there *falsely* that they were grown women so i had thought it was ok.ended up masterbating to prove to my intrusive thoughts i was not a pedo,then i saw comments saying that it was loli meaning kids,and instantly started panicking thinking “oh my lord my intrusive thought was right i was pedo this whole time oh my goodness what am i doing” i couldnt do anything well that day of all the panicking.and i can’t get therapy since i’m still a minor and my parents don’t think anything’s wrong with me.
Jesse says
So my situation is different. Long story short I had a normal sexual dream with a friend my age. Right at the end of the dream I look down it’s my dog and immediately throw her off (in the dream) and was like WTF. Waking up and remembering this dream was absolutely terrifying. For some odd reason my mind said that was pedofilish which is far from that. Ever since the P word has been in my head and won’t leave.
I don’t have thoughts like most POCD people really at all. But this word has been nagging at my mind for two weeks straight Daily. Now to the point
As soon as a see I kid I go into reassurance mode. My thoughts go something like this. See you are fine. You’re NOT attracted to kids but then the other side is like hey but what if you are.
This is debilitating. As stated I haven’t had thoughts about children at all. But that P word won’t leave and is a vicious cycle.
I’m so lost and scared
Josh says
I’ve been dealing with this for nearly 2 years and It’s caused me to break up a relationship I had because I was so obsessed with it that I couldn’t be in a relationship. I have weeks where I’m fine and then weeks I’m not. Even tho I know I’m not one and my thoughts aren’t real It still makes me feel terrible and ruins my life. Being excited for something or even just hanging out with friends. The thoughts pop up and I instantly get anxiety. I’m 20 years old and I haven’t told anyone for 2 whole years. I’m learning to live with it but I’m so fed up of having this condition I just want it gone. I’m scared that if I tell someone they will think I am one, and I don’t know what to do….
H. S says
Hi, m.c . I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I am a 20 year old who has had OCD for 4 years. I started out with religious OCD but then it included contamination OCD and the religious OCD stopped when I became agnostic and then for the last year and a half or so I’ve had POCD.
I don’t think I’ve seen anyone my age and gender with this type of OCD yet so if you’d like to talk to me then I would be more than happy to just for some kind of support or to share what you’re experiencing because I know it is incredibly difficult.
Dr Greene, I’m not sure if she will see this but could you potentially offer her my email address if that’s not breeching any kind of rules and if she would be interested in that?
Paul Greene, Ph.D. says
Thank you, m.c., for your comment. It’s true, thoughts like these can certainly make life feel hellish. But you’re not alone. We will reach out to you separately to make sure you’re ok.
m. c. says
So this just started completely random for me. Im 18 and ive just finished a show where the characters were younger than I thought they were. I was attracted to on and then I saw someone saying he was 14. My brain automatically went “Thats disturbing.. maybe i can make your life a living hell with this.” And BOOM. Intrusive POCD thoughts bloomed. I didn’t know what to do.. i still dont know what to do. Cause now im I’m looking at people I would find attractive searching for proof that my thoughts are wrong and i would look at babies and kids trying to see if i felt anything. All i felt was disturbed really. It’s so annoying because I was just making a pact with my friend two weeks ago to have babies at the same time and just last month I was expressing to my mom how excited i was to be a young mom… and now i just feel like my entire life is falling apart. Im not a stranger to intrusive thoughts, I’ve had religious ones for a year and a half now so I know what this is but… I’ve never actually contemplated dying before until this. Like i dont wanna die but I dont wanna live with these thoughts either.. children don’t deserve anything that my thoughts are conjuring up. I will kill myself before i ever do something like this.
Im gonna try and talk to my mom about seeing my doctor and then I’m gonna talk to her about OCD and intrusive thoughts and see if she can help me out with therapy or some medicine to fix this.
The comment section has really helped me see that im not a completely horrible person even though i feel like i am for something i have no control over. Hopefully I get the help I need and I can kiss these thoughts goodbye.
Emma says
I”˜m dealing with this thoughts since august and I’m always hoping that it’s “žonly“ POCD and that I’m not a pedo. I”˜m 17 and it feels like my whole life is breaking apart I always wanted children and be in a happy relationship but I could never achieve this. 3 Weeks ago it started that I got the same thoughts about our dog and it makes me so sad I want my life back but in my area are 2 therapist and I can’t go there bc I’m a minor. I hope we will be better soon stay safe !
Anon says
Seeing this article and reading these comments have really helped me. I suffer with this, and it SUCKS! I go days feeling so down on myself, even though I know they are just thoughts. But getting rid of the thoughts is the hardest part. I haven’t talked to anybody about it yet (a doctor or therapist) only a few of my family members because sitting around and letting it linger is the worst feeling. Reading this article and seeing the comments have helped me in realizing that I need to get help with this, I need to speak up to someone and get the help I need. I’m not the only one. I’ve never been the only one. We are good people that OCD had decided to visit, and the visit has been too long! Thank you all for helping me for even though it wasn’t your intention!
KEni says
So I can definitely relate to many of the things said on this article and reading through it I have found something’s that I used to do and don’t do anymore like the reassurance from people. I guess you could say I’ve had experiences with ocd since I was a child but being in a Hispanic household I was always just known as the weird kid that took things too seriously and was very emotional. I have a special needs baby who when I found out about his condition I fell into extreme depression and anxiety. I also started having obsessive thoughts about hurting him, and hurting myself. I didn’t want to ever do any of those things but the images would just pop all of the sudden. Then out of know where it turned to pocd related thoughts as well as throwing him our beating him. It scared the shit out of me so I stayed quiet for a full year and didn’t get help for my postpartum nor intrusive thoughts. Then I all of the sudden started obsessing over having breast cancer when it had only been a few months of me having stopped breast feeding, meaning I was obviously gonna have lumps and stuff but my mind wouldn’t let it go so I checked every five minutes. Back to the pocd I now know I’m not a pedo and would never actually want to do harm on my baby and or any child. But the fact that it keeps you self doubting is just what makes it worse. I have never climaxed in the thought of it or anything like that. Hell no. I guess that’s what keeps me firm. My fight isn’t over but I am not giving up!!! And neither should you if you’re reading this. I literally rather die or turn myself in than to hurt any child PERIOD. We can do this.
Carlos says
I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety recently and heard a joke from a comedian relating to pedophilia. I suddenly felt uncomfortable with the joke and asked myself the question, “wait is it because I am one as well?” and have been suffering since. It creates panic that is debilitating.
Anon says
This article definitely helped validate a lot of what I’ve been dealing with. I’ve been wondering if it’s maybe the trauma I went through that’s caused it, but now I think it’s probably pocd. I was diagnosed at 14 with OCD, so it would make sense it could manifest in this way. The way it manifested also may have to do with the trauma, but there’s not really a way to know for sure.
It’ll be really hard to find a therapist knowledgeable on trauma, dissociative disorders, and OCD. But at least I have a reference on what to look for. I might actually bring it up with my current therapist.
Anyway, this article was really helpful. I definitely relate to it a lot, and I hope I can get it figured out. Thank you
S. T. says
Great article, very specific and very relative.
My first OCD encounter was as a 7 year old kid and was health related. Other than some counting and symmetry of touch ‘quirks’ in the following years, I was relatively free of OCD and anxiety.
Then, BOOM, when I was 18 it came back with some clout. I didn’t know it then, but I was in the grips of pOCD and, legitimately, thought I was a danger to children. The rumination, mental review and physical checking for arousal was constant. And then I definitely reached the ‘despairing OCD’ stage and, essentially, had consigned myself to a life of shame, isolation and despair.
I confided in no-one and was too scared to even consult the internet for fear of what I’d find out about myself.
This lasted about 6-8 months and, gradually, went away of its own accord.
15 years on and here I am again! Now, after seeing a therapist and reading some Jeffrey Schwarz, I was tooled up with knowledge and was able to deal with it – for a while!
And then, as feelings of isolation and depression set in due to Covid Lockdown ‘culture’, it all got a bit worse.
Now, about 6 weeks into ‘pOCD Mk.2’, I’m just beginning to start ERP with a CBT Therapist – scared and unsure, but will give it my all.
I want to use this time to really smash this condition to a point where I have accepted and embraced the situation and have developed new and long lasting coping mechanisms via ERP.
Remember folks, avoidance is great, but only in the short term!
This article was great at contextualising pOCD and for educating me on the benefits of ERP – thank you!
ST
Mark says
Thank you, I suffer from this and have found the past years impossible to manage. This article, found quite by chance, has clarified much of my thinking on the matter.